Bouncing Back

Looking back at the past few years and all the changes and processes my body has gone through, especially the last 3 years through both my pregnancies. It is a difficult thing – learning your body and how it works and then it constantly changes and you have to change things up again in order to care for it. It is hard work for a women and I don’t think many people, especially men and women who have not had children, understand what it means and how hard we have to work to maintain, lose weight and feel good about ourselves.

I remember when I first came to the realisation of what it meant to be healthy. Yes I had struggled through eating disorders and learned all about it in recovery – but that day when I had that Ah Ha moment was magical. Almost 4 years after what I thought was recovering from my disorder (realising that I still had some bad habits) – I realised what it meant to look after your body. Skipping meals was not helping – exercising your ass off and then eating a huge meal was not helping – smoking was not helping. I could not believe that I was eating 6 times a day, healthy meals, exercising for 30 minutes 3 times a week and I lost 25kg in a year. I could not believe it! Where had I gone wrong all this time. I think this happens with most AH HA moments – you always wonder why you didn’t know this before. The answer is because you were not ready – you are growing and you are still growing and learning and this should be an amazing moment for anyone.

I decided today that even though I am not exactly where I want to be in my fitness and weight loss goals I am proud of where I am now and how far I have gotten. Damn it has been one hell of an up and down journey – emotional roller coasters – watching my body morph and change and bounce back to morphing again in my pregnancies. Breastfeeding – sheesh that has done some major transformations to my upper body. Through everything else that life is throwing at us, maintaining your career, caring for your kids, working on your relationships – you have still got this with your fitness and weight loss goals. You are still making an effort! I think I, and every other mother out there keeping it together – deserves a standing ovation. I AM proud of myself! 

The people who look at you and tell you that you are not good enough yet don’t know what you have struggled through. It is not easy, for any mother, to lose the weight and get back to the same fitness level they were at before – not because they don’t try but because our bodies are a little more challenging than they were before pregnancy and of course when we were younger. At least we are working on it – and boy are we gonna get there – and they will be speechless because we would have mastered reaching this goal through way more obstacles than most. And that ladies is just one more thing to be proud of!

This is to anyone battling through a weight loss journey. Don’t look at how far you have got to go, or how wobbly and untoned your legs and stomach might be, your stretch marks – all of it is a sign that you have gotten somewhere and are your battle scars (wear them proud) – you are not the same as you were a year ago, a month ago or maybe a week ago. Stay consistent, keep that goal in mind but remember how far you have come and don’t let anyone make you feel any less of yourself. I am telling you WELL DONE! KEEP IT UP! YOU LOOK AMAZING! 

BIRTH STORY - A SECOND TIME AROUND

On 14 January 2015 - my beautiful second child was born. A boy. His name is Blake. It means: Dark and Fair - which is balance. 

After my traumatic experience with my first birth - I never thought I would go down this path again. It happened though and it was wonderful and not what I expected a year or so before it happened.  

It is absolutely amazing how the circumstances in your life can make such a huge difference to how you experience your pregnancy and labour. 

When I was about three months pregnant I divorced my husband. I was pregnant with his child and my first child was also his son but the abuse I went through in the marriage and the affect it was having on my first child was too much. I did not want my second child going through what my first child went through. Diaan (number 1) was a year and half when I took that step. If it was not for my children I probably would have stayed... but it was not just about me any more. My children were now involved and I was not going to let anyone hurt them - even if it meant leaving their father. 

As heartbreaking and emotional as it was it was one of the best decisions I had ever made in my life. One of the hardest too. 

I met another man, just after leaving my ex-husband. He embraced me and my children (both my 1 year old and unborn child) as his own. He changed my world. The world was a happy place - I felt lighter - I now knew what it meant to be loved - and loved properly - and to love properly back in return. My toddler was happier, I was happier and I felt how happy my baby was inside of me - because mommy was happy so was he. My pregnancy was a breeze. 

He came with me into theatre when it was time for my c-section. He even put his running shoes on and was pacing the hospital floor like a tiger in its cage - he was so excited. He held my hand every step of the way - he was there at the operating table. And when Blake entered this world, his beautiful face was lit up - a glorious moment when you get that first look at your baby - I saw the glitter in my partner's eyes. My little boy was born into unconditional love from his mother, my partner and his big brother. My partner held him while they sewed me up and he looked at him as if he was his own. 

Diaan came to meet his baby brother the same day. He was so soft and gentle. Such a wise little boy he is. He looked at me and softly touched my arm while he sat on the hospital bed next to me, and he looked at his brother with awe. To this day he has been his protector. 

I recovered in about a week. Almost 4 times more faster than my first time. 

I was so scared about how things would work with a second child but everything blended in perfectly. And still does. 

How blessed I am to have these two amazing children in my life and to have such an amazing partner. 

Thank you for choosing me as your mother. 

I Found Myself

It has been two years since my last post and a lot of changes have occurred. I wasn't lost but I was found - I found myself. 

Since my last post I have had a second child and divorced my husband. 

I found someone, my soul mate and I can truly say I have never been happier. 

I have learned so much and I want to share it with everyone - I want to share it because it might help someone else who is in the same situation. 

I thought I was in love with my ex-husband. I truly thought the saying "the couples who are meant to be together always get through their obstacles and stay together". That is not always the case. I learned that it is better to come from a broken home than to be in a broken home. 

I can't say when it started - when I lost all respect for my other half but I think what opened my eyes was my child. The way my ex-husband was treating me was effecting my little boy - and I did not want him growing up thinking it was okay for him to treat others that way. And I saw it breaking his little heart and I could not do that to him anymore. And so I put my foot down and I said "no more". And it was the best decision I have ever made! 

I now have someone in my life who treats me as if I am gold and that makes me want to treat him the same. My children see someone treating me with utter respect and love and that makes them happy and whatever makes them happy makes me happy! It is just wonderful to love someone (properly) and be loved back in return (properly). I thank my lucky stars everyday and I attracted this beautiful love in my life and into my children's lives. 

I now feel like I can grow and reach more goals and just reach higher and higher in life. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the ones you need to make. Following your heart might be scary but in the end it is what is supposed to happen. In that moment you might not see the point of it all but it will come and you will feel freedom inside your heart. 

Espavo!