Chaos of Change

I am in a space right now where not only is my body going through a huge change but my spiritual and emotional self are too.

You hear so many people's opinions about all the different things in pregnancy, about why you are feeling this and why you are feeling that. On the subject of depression though there is a lot of conflicting information. Some people say that it is hormonal, others say it is a chemical imbalance you had before you were pregnant, other's say it is normal, some recommend antidepressants and others are completely against it.

I believe that it is partly hormonal and partly because of the change that is happening inside a pregnant woman. Whether it should even be called depression is debatable! Hormones play such a huge role in pregnancy and it can drive a woman loony at times. I have had myself in tears over silly adverts on TV or by people saying the most petty things, things I would normally not show any emotion too but instead of just walking away or getting over it I end up balling my eyes out and screaming things back at the people who have nothing nice to say. Haha! It really is a crazy roller coaster ride! I also think that a lot of what having a baby entails can put a woman in this place. For example: will I make it financially, how will I cope with work and baby and hubby, how will I manage to balance my lifestyle at the same time.

But when I talk about "depression" - please note the inverted commas - that dreaded feeling of despair and that nothing is getting better and never will - that dark dark place where I think we have all found ourselves in before at least once or twice - I think this has got much more to do with our higher selves than it has to do with hormones.

We all have our own ways of dealing with depression and unhappiness but I felt like I had for some or other reason lost all my tools that enabled me to cope and get out of that space during my pregnancy. This made things even worse at times because I felt that that was just life being unfair and felt sorry for myself. I felt angry with myself because I was feeling like this too and on top of that I felt like I was a terrible mom and I felt guilty because I was feeling so down in time in my life when I am supposed to be feeling so so very happy! And then I was feeling happy and euphoric at the same time with all these other feelings buzzing around in my mind. - It really is a confusing and distressful place to be! Talk about ups and downs!

All of this forced me to do something I had never done. To sit and actually FEEL the emotions I was feeling and to deal with them one by one. Most of my coping mechanisms were ways of blocking what I did not want to feel. For example writing down everything I am grateful for and focusing on that and what my goals in life are. Having a drink or two after a long week. Going for a jog to clear my mind. Just doing things that blocked me from actually feeling those negative emotions. I must say it is not one of the most enjoyable experiences but for the first time in my life I was able to identify why I was feeling certain things and I was able to work through them and resolve them in my mind.

You see, with change normally comes chaos at first. And I think this is what most pregnant woman (who feel they are depressed during pregnancy) are actually experiencing -  the chaos of change. And the only way to allow change to happen so that the chaos can disappear is to accept it and to embrace it and to let it happen. We need to keep learning to have faith while trying to keep on the right path in life. Things always work out in the end if you stay true to yourself.

This baby that is growing inside of me, that my body knows exactly how to take care of and how to nourish, is bringing a huge change into our lives and into this world. I need to embrace and accept that there will be a change in me as a woman as well - and that something inside of me has changed already - but that feeling of change and knowing will be felt 100 times over when I see my beautiful child breathing air into his lungs for the first time and when I see his dancing soul in his eyes. Only then will I know what real love is and the power of that love, all of this is just preparation for the huge impact this wonderful spirit will bring into our lives.

Change is powerful but it is something that we must all encounter so that we can overcome what is put in our paths in the future.

Know that no matter what you are going through you are strong enough to overcome it.

Espavo!

CHILDBIRTH

My thoughts on childbirth... well for starters I am completely and obstinately determined to have as a natural childbirth as possible. Recently though I have come to the realization that I should probably not set my hopes up too high on this and expect all things to go to plan as I might end up being disappointed. I know anything can happen in child birth, or with anything in life for that matter, so I am working on trying to prepare myself for the chance that maybe things won't go as I have planned, but that spark of hope and determination that it will is still there (big and bright). I am having a very low risk pregnancy in any case so why not get my hopes up just a little? Hehe

I do not talk about this with many people though as I do get the odd look here and there from people who think that I am being naive or who maybe think I have no clue as to what I am letting myself into. I don't know what to expect, that is true! I have never given birth before but does this mean that I am not allowed to get excited or look forward to the experience? 

The way I see it is that woman have been giving birth naturally since the beginning of mankind, why should it be any different nowadays? Waaaay back then there were not even doctors or medical experts etc around to help mothers give birth, they did it all on their own. So I feel and I  also instinctively know that when it is my time to bring my baby boy into this world all my womanly and motherly instincts will set in and my body will know what to do and everything will come naturally and happen as it is supposed to, its wired into our brains just like a newborn instinctively knows how to breastfeed from the moment he is born into this world. 

I know that it is not going to be the most easiest thing in the world and that there will be pain involved (or maybe not, who knows) but I also know that no matter how hard it is on me and even if I feel like I can't carry on, the thought of me holding my precious baby boy and welcoming him into this world with arms wide open and hearing his cry for the first time and seeing him taking his first breath - it will ALL be worth it in the end. Every single struggle I have had in my life up until that moment will be worth every second and I cannot wait to experience that. 

So I will look forward to my natural birth and I will feel excited! If because of a very good reason I am unable to give birth naturally I think I will also be fine so long as my baby is healthy and strong, but for now while the reality of a natural childbirth is quite real, I'll be looking forward to it. 

I have this image in my mind of my child's soul dancing its way into this world and my mine welcoming him in return. 

 “To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful.. This is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking” 

― Agnes De Mille

ESPAVO! <3

I Found My Purpose

“A mother's body remembers her babies-the folds of soft flesh, the softly furred scalp against her nose. Each child has it's own entreaties to body and soul.” ― Barbara Kingsolver

So I am 26 weeks 4 days pregnant today. I am loving every moment – even the icky bad ones – while pregnant. I actually think that I will in some ways miss being pregnant.

 

Feeling my baby’s movements inside my belly every day – knowing that soon I will be able to hold our little one in my arms brings a permanent smile to my face and an overwhelming sense of calm and happiness. A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone.

Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of Mother's Love. - Maureen Hawkins

I am partly scared for the experience of birth as I am not sure about what to expect – I want to give birth naturally so so very badly, I want to have that first bonding moment with my child. Knowing that I will hold you in my arms and have you with me safe and sound is what keeps me strong and unafraid. I look forward to every moment of every day and experience spent with you.

"Birthing is the most profound initiation to spirituality a woman can have." - Robin Lim

My whole life I have been wondering what my purpose is, why am I here, what is the point... The answer was there all along and I think I knew it all along too. Being a mother to my child is my purpose, to help my partner bring this beautiful boy up to become the best he can be. To show him what love is, to fill his life with love so that he too will be able to share that love with others. To guide him in the right direction so that he can build on himself to reach his potential, help him through his mistakes and hardships, to show him that there is always light at the end of the tunnel and to never give up. Never give up on reaching that light and never give up on what he believes in. With love anything is possible.

It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself.  ~Joyce Maynard

My child is the closest I will ever come to magic, our miracle that has grown from a tiny seed into a blossoming bundle of joy, a combination of both families’ genes, a unique and beautiful soul - all while still inside my belly. Ready to take on this world.

He is an extremely active baby in utero – I feel him every 5 to 10 minutes every day. Kicking and somersaulting and swishing around. I feel and take this as a sign of strength and one of his wonderful characteristics.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 
― Dr. Seuss, Happy Birthday to You!

We cannot wait to welcome you into this world and to hold you in our arms. Mommy and daddy are waiting patiently for your arrival and for our journey and path in life to start together (although,  all three of us have actually already started our journey together haven’t we...)  :) All our love forever and always.

Every child born into the world is a new thought of God, an ever fresh and radiant possibility.
- Kate Douglas Wiggin

A BRAND NEW BEGINNING

I AM NOW A MRS!

I thought I would share how the day was for me and how I experienced this new beginning in my life. What a roller coaster ride! I am very excited for the future!


I was an emotional wreck the first half of the day. Luckily I had my friend Caitlin with me from the moment I woke up to keep my head screwed on straight. We zoomed off to Gordon's Bay early in the morning (already a few minutes late). On our way there I got a phone call from my best friend who drove down from Natal the night before to say she was lost in Paarl - so we waited for her on the N1. Obviously all emotional stability I had left shattered when I saw her face and was able to hug her for the first time in a few years. 


We eventually all made it to the hair salon where all my bridesmaid's hair and make up was being done. I was marching up and down nervously but luckily my wonderful hairdresser sat me down at a basin and got the lady to wash my hair and give me the most amazing head massage (which I almost fell asleep to). 


From there I had to get something to eat (I had this enormous craving for nachos) and then my other best friend Richard arrived. (more emotions!)


We finally arrived at the guesthouse where we were to be wed! One of Riaan's groomsmen decided to tell me that my husband to be was passed out in one of the rooms and that they were trying to sober him up! It was a joke of course - but I didn't handle it very well - my body just collapsed underneath me. Luckily I saw Riaan's very much Sober face inside by reception area and I felt calmer. 


Up we went to the guestroom where I and my bridal party would be getting ready. My father first greeted me with a bear hug and a gift. I think the reassurance of seeing him and his great big hug was all I needed to keep going - and of course seeing my mommy (who was a super organizing star!) They all took so much pressure of my shoulders and eventually I was able to relax a bit. 


I was surrounded by all of the very special people in my life and I could not have asked for a better start to this beautiful journey we have embarked on. 

Walking down the isle was so scary but my dad held my arm tight (and later told me basically was keeping me upright) so that my legs would not (once again) give way under me. When I looked down the isle towards Riaan I immediately felt "able" again - looking into his eyes full of tears and the huge smile on his face I remembered how much I loved this man and how I can not imagine being with anyone else. This is the person who I knew from the moment we met that I would be with for the rest of my life. My dad gave me away and for a few moments everyone and everything around me disappeared except for Riaan and then our journey together as man and wife started. 

The ceremony and reception was everything that I had ever dreamed it would be and more. We had the closest people in our lives there. No strangers and nobody who we actually secretly didn't want there. Every single person who was there to join us on our special day were very special to us and it was just the way we wanted it. 


I was calm and relaxed throughout the whole celebration - and slept soundly that night in my husbands arms listening to the sound of the ocean and waking up the next morning to the smell and sound of the ocean again. It was like a blissful dream. 


We drove to Hermanus in our own time the next day. Stopping at places that interested us and taking our time. We finally reached the little cottage where we would be staying for the next few days for our honeymoon. TOTAL BLISS! Smack bang in between the mountain and the sea. Absolutely stunning!


We had been planning to fall pregnant for months and I had missed my period that I was supposed to get the day before my wedding and which had not arrived two days later. I thought it must be stress from wedding but was hoping of course that I was preggies! Riaan and I had stopped getting our hopes up 2 months ago and thought it would happen when the time was right. I woke up at 5am that morning on our second day of honeymoon to find out after doing the test that I was pregnant! (Thus explaining he emotional instability I had been experiencing as well as the cravings for nachos) :-/


THE BEST WEDDING PRESENT OF ALL TIME!


I jumped on the bed where my sleeping husband was laying "scream whispering" that I was pregnant. We never went back to bed that morning. We sat and watched the sun come up while having our morning hot drink. I sent my mom, Caitlin, Leigh and Jenna and Dad a picture of the positive pregnancy test immediately and received very excited and happy calls. 

It was the best timing and the most wonderful news and gift we could have asked for! I am so excited about what life has in store for us next and for my journey as a mommy to begin! I have a little being growing inside of me right now. Its unbelievably beautiful and breathtaking. What a blessing! 


ESPAVO!

CHANGE

Wow! I haven't written a post in many many months. Lots has happened and so I feel its time to get my thoughts out there...

Change... we all experience it and we all know what it feels like. Sometimes we welcome it and sometimes we loath it. Sometimes we realize it is happening and sometimes it happens without anyone even noticing - until you stop and listen to your inner self and get out of the whole "routine" of life and then you realize how much things have changed since the last remembered point in your life.

I have experienced lots of change in last few months. My body is changing (why, I don't know but I have to accept it and embrace it) and my goals and wants in life are changing. I also am expecting change in the near future - which is good because I am able to prepare myself for it.

Beside all of that it is scary to think that no matter what you plan for your future, no matter what your goals and visions are for the future - it can all change in a blink of an eye. The only way to get past that feeling of disappointment when something does not go accordingly to plan is to keep reminding yourself that the future may not be what you are imagined it to be BUT know that no matter what happens you will be able to handle it. NO MATTER WHAT COMES YOUR WAY YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT - and in the process learn something new and probably something very valuable.

That does not however mean that you should not set goals for your future. That does not mean that you will not achieve what you have set out to do, it is just a way of thinking that you learn to implant in yourself to stop yourself from losing the enthusiasm to move forward towards your goal when you need to overcome set backs along the way.

Take for example the commitment I am making to marry the man I love in a month. Recently it has been very scary because every where I look, whether it's a TV talk show or an article I read all, there are all these negative ideas and opinions of marriage that keep on popping up. I could be taking this as a sign to not take the big step or I can take in the information and use it to my advantage to help me in my future and marriage.

No matter what your circumstances are you can always change it around for the better. All you need is positivity.

xxxx
ESPAVO