WITHIN

I turn away from the world about me to the world of consciousness that lies within. 

I shut out all memories of the past, create no images of the future. I concentrate on my being, on my awareness. I slide deep into the very recesses of my soul to a place of utter repose. 

Here I perceive fact in the making, I am conscious of the one being from which all beings spring. I know that this is immortal self, this is God, this is me. I am, I always was. I always will be. 

All men, all things, all space and time and life are here in the depths of my soul. Smaller than small, greater than great, meet and unite in me. That which I thought I was, ego, I never was at all, for it was a changing thing, mirroring the seasons and the tides, a thing of time or circumstance. 

I am spirit, pure and eternal, birth-less, deathless, and changeless. I am patient, for I am all time: I am wise, for I contain knowledge of all things. I know not pain, for I see there is no beginning and end. 

I am rich, for there is no limit to the abundance I may create from my very self. 

I am successful, for I need only think to achieve. 

I love and and I am beloved for all things are myself and I am all things. 

I write, I fuse, I become one with universal subconscious mind. The mask of vanity and ego I shall never wear again. I perceive the magnificent sweller at the centre of my consciousness and I know him to be my very self. Time and space and shadow and substance; What matter these? God is Me. 

-Handwritten on a piece of paper given to me by my mother - I carry with me everywhere.

MATERIALISM

I have been going through a period in my life right now that has brought me new perspective when it comes to this subject. I have always been against materialism and ALL FOR embracing nature and for remembering where you come from and not being influenced by material things. I am correct in what I am saying when it comes to this, but I may have gone a little overboard...


I have been trying desperately for the last 3 years to find a job that pays well, that I enjoy and that I want to be at everyday. To build a life with my partner and to find a family home (just a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment or house with a garden) were we can start a family and feel secure in - and stay financially stable. 


I have always said that material things mean nothing to me, I have always felt that material things - like a house, money, TV, nice duvets (the things I really want now) - were unimportant. That the people who you love and your body (temple) and your spirituality are the most important and that materialism is just a trap - I tended to feel sorry for people that continuously bought things for themselves and who fell into the "materialism trap".  I always said I would never become like that! 


Now, I am the one needing these materialistic things - okay, there is a balance between being materialistic and totally humble - but I never understood this balance and when I found myself longing for these things last week I startled myself! I wanted to stop myself from wanting (needing) these things because in my mind it was against what I believed in. 


I realized though that like everything else in life there needs to be a balance. Right now in this world we live in we need certain things and these certain things - thanks to the government and society - need to be bought. And to buy these things we need money and to earn money we need to work - and to work we need certain things and these things need to be bought - and so the cycle goes on and on and on. So to some extent most of the materialism in this world is caused by society and outside influences but that doesn't mean that we have to fall for their manipulation over and over again!


There are two sides to this - the proper materialists and the completely humble un-materialists (like the Monks.)

A materialist looks to go out and buy things - things that they do not need and sometimes maybe things that they do need - but they buy to fill a hole inside of them or they buy things so that they feel better and superior to others. They also tend to put material things above other people and things. Material things are more important to them than anyone/thing else. For me it is so superficial! - if there is one thing that I cannot stand that is if someone acts "fake" and superficial. - I have had to live with people like this and I so badly missed genuine proper people it almost drove me insane. Maybe this is why I have such a passion about not being materialistic. 


Anyway - just because we need to go out and buy things just so that we can live in the world that we live today does not mean that we are materialistic people - so long as you are not buying things to replace other people in your lives or to fill a hole in your heart or to feel more superior to others. 


You know - THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE NOT THINGS! - think about that. 


Espavo!

PRE-MOTHERHOOD

So, my partner and I are getting married soon and although this makes me very happy and so excited it also makes me a little nervous and scared. 

This man that I have decided to make this wonderful commitment to is so great and good for me. We are amazing for each other - each one of us made a huge positive influence in each one's life when we entered each other's lives. There are so many things in my life that I can be grateful to him for. He makes me laugh at least once a day, is committed to being the "provider", lets me feel his love (he doesn't just say the words - he makes me know that he loves me) - the one thing I know for certain is that I am dearly loved by this man. There are so many reasons for why I love and want to be with this diverse and interesting person and there is no doubt in my mind that we are meant to be together. <3

One thing we are planning straight after our marriage is to have children and this is, for us both, but especially for me, something I cannot wait for and something I take very very seriously! I intend to learn from a lot of marriages and relationships in my life that did not work out and how the children were effected by these relationships. Everyone makes mistakes but there are certain things that both my partner and I went through as children that we do not want our children experiencing. - probably just like everybody else. 

My main concern is the environment and type of place where we will bring up our children. I am still so young and I am so worried that we will not have everything we need that we want to give our children. I need to have a good home, where there are no negative influences from other people -  and obviously be financially stable enough. 

Now I know I am probably being overly paranoid and it may seem like I am looking for reasons not to go ahead with our plans but I am not. We would not have made the decision to get married and have children if we didn't feel stable enough.  It is probably just my motherly instinct popping her head up and trying to guide me in the right direction - but instead knowing my intense personality - is pushing or shouting me in the right direction! ;-) Here is what my horoscope says about me and I think it is amazingly spot one:

"She is a fiercely protective mother and will do anything to safeguard her children. At times a little too strict with them, but they often understand her better when they are older."

Now I really hope that I can balance my motherly instincts when I do become a mother so that I do not become an overly protective and over bearing parent. But right now - even before I have even fallen pregnant - I am already worrying myself silly about whether everything we do and have done will be good enough.  

I, like the rest of us, am only human though - and I think that everyone to some extent knows what it feels like to want to protect someone/thing you love. I know that we will both do the best we can when it comes to our children and I know that we will bring up amazing people and I will be a proud mother. - even now before I have met my children I already feel the love I feel for them bubbling up inside of me!

A song I know best describes how I am feeling now, it is by Elton John called Your Song. The first three verses gets it exactly right:

                                                  ~  It's a little bit funny this feeling inside

I'm not one of those who can easily hide

I don't have much money but boy if I did

I'd buy a big house where we both could live

                                                   If I was a sculptor, but then again, no

Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show

I know it's not much but it's the best I can do

My gift is my song and this one's for you

                                              And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is while you're in the world ~

Sigh* I think that when it comes to this - like every aspect in our lives - we need to remember to find our center have faith and trust in a Higher Power and know that things just work out the way they are supposed to in the end. - trying to be in control and constantly trying to be the one in power will only distort or even slow down process towards the way things should be. 

*Everything is already as it should be*

Espavo!

Starters

Well, I have started this blog for more than one reason. First of all, I have a lot of my own ideas and thoughts on life and health and I love to write them down to gain perspective. Secondly, I usually write this down in a diary, which I used to keep in my handbag. A few weeks ago I got a huge wake up call and fright when my handbag got stolen with my diary in it and with all its contents. I had horrible nightmares about some stranger (someone I didn't want) reading my intimate thoughts etc etc. Luckily my handbag and all its contents was retrieved, but I had a huge wake up call. A friend of mine came up with the idea of me writing my own blog instead of writing it down on paper and risking losing all of my work. 


A few years back I learned about the Law of Attraction and since then have been on a journey to master this law of life. This blog will be about my thoughts and feelings on Law of Attraction and how I am learning to master it. I believe that we all have the power inside of us to become what we dream of becoming, to gain what we need and to achieve our wildest dreams... all by just controlling our thoughts and keeping them positive and in tune with what our goals are. I also believe that life is not worth living if you haven't got goals and dreams. Working towards a goal, even if it is with tiny little steps or with one large leap gives us meaning in life, a reason to live and a reason to feel good about ourselves, helping others along the way is just as important and fulfilling and one of the stepping stones towards a better life. Helping our fellow human beings = helping ourselves. We are all part of the same energy after all, we are all one in the end anyway, we are all part of the pattern, we are all dance partners in the dance called life, each step we make effects the steps other's make and vise versa. 


You will see me using the word "Espavo" a lot. It literally means: "Thank you for taking your power" used as a greeting for both hello and goodbye. The word's vibrational matrix helps people reconnect to ancient memories of their true origin. I quote from one of my favorite most inspirational book that I have read "Going Deeper" by J.C Koven: "Creation, is paralleled in the espavo paradox, which states: "To truly claim one's power, one must first give it away." Like the Phoenix does every time it dies." Now that you know what it means, you will understand why I use it. ;-) 


I do not believe in religion as I believe strongly that religion is a restriction to higher knowledge and truth and I think that religion as been the cause of most wars and conflict between humans and has caused way too much hurt pain and judgement in the world. However, I also believe that any religion is true in the mind of the believer. I do not think any religion is wrong or untrue etc etc. We all believe in one thing in the end and that is that there is a higher power. :-)


Other things that you may find me writing about in my blog is about healthy living. I strongly feel that to feel good spiritually emotionally and mentally one has to look after your temple (your body). I have a strong passion for this and about living the healthiest lifestyle that I can. 


I am a dancer.... no I do not dance professionally, but I have been dancing since I was a toddler. First I was a ballerina, then a modern dancer and then I just started doing it for fun. I dance either to forget or I dance to remember, either way it is another one of my passions that I will keep close to my heart forever. I like to think that I dance through life: Everything in the universe has rhythm. Everything dances. -Maya Angelou


I hope you enjoy what I write about and I hope I bring at least some of you inspiration and maybe even some good advice or guidance. Either way Enjoy it! <3


Peace and love 


Espavo! 

BODY SPRING CLEAN

I have been doing a few alternative things when it comes to my health lately. In general I am not somebody who goes to the doctor for any reason under the sun and I like to look after myself naturally without needing to go to the doctor. Some people cannot understand why I do certain things... probably because of the close-minded way they were brought up or maybe it just goes beyond their way of thinking and so on and so on... I mean there could be all sorts of reasons why people refuse to understand natural ways of healing and alternative ways of living, so I thought I would write about my experiences with two types of cleanses/detoxes I did in the last month, maybe then people will understand my reasons a little better after reading this:- 


A few weeks ago I did a colon detox. This involved fasting for 5 days. No solid food but drinking 1 tablespoon physillium husk with apple juice 5 times a day, 2 hours apart. Psyllium Husk on its own is basically a colon cleanser, but using it during a fast increases the effects. Psyllium Husk sweeps your colon. To explain what it does I have used this example:- 


*Imagine a dirty pot, still having bits of food stuck to the sides and everything. Rinsing it will water and soap is not going to clean the pot properly, to clean a pot like that you need a pot scrubber or a stronger material to clean it and this is what the Psyllium Husk is for your colon.* - Just imagine not cleaning a pot and just using it over and over again without cleaning it properly. ...Yuck!!!


The hardest part of this detox is not eating solid food for 5 days, but after 2 days your body gets used to it. On my first day I had so much energy! I actually got on my bike and cycled for 30 minutes and did aerobic exercises... but I will not recomend anyone to do that as I felt really weak afterwards. Rather do not exercise while doing the detox (going for a walk or something light shouldn't be a problem though), but do not worry about your energy levels either, you will actually feel great and full of energy, this is probably due to all the toxins leaving the body and the minerals and vitamins you get from the apple juice. 


The most rewarding part of this detox is not only how great you feel afterwards and during the detox but also that you are actually able to see what your body is getting rid of! Some people who have done this detox have found crayons and sometimes even marbles in their bowel movements! (Gross, I know, but trust me, when you actually see what has been stuck in your body for all these years leaving your body, it makes you feel 10 times better!) Your colon has old food in it which CANNOT be good for the body, if you were a child that ate whatever you got your hands on, like the people who found crayons and marbles in their bowel movements, you probably also have it. I will not be elaborating what I found in my bowel movements, all I am going to say is that I passed a lot of mucoid plague, a buildup of mucoid plaque becomes a problem as the intestinal system is unable to expel it, and it instead starts to interfere with the energy levels, the person’s health, and the removal of waste from the intestine.


I am so happy that all that stuff is now out of my body! No wonder so many people get colon cancer! The harmful toxins and chemical build up in your colon can cause loads of health problems such as colon cancer, skin problems toxic blood, obesity, constipation and much more. 


Go to this website for a lot more information on the subject: http://www.best-colon-cleanse.com/
...and check out this website for what mucoid plaque is: http://www.welikeitraw.com/rawfood/2005/06/whats_real.html . 
You will be amazed at what horrible stuff is actually in your body!

A lot of people are skeptical about doing this because some people don't believe that us humans should go without food for such a long time... how close minded is that! From personal experience I have never felt better while and after doing this detox. I lost 4.5Kg (I didn't pick up the weight again either), I feel lighter and healthier and I also felt closer to my higher self. Yes... it was also a spiritual experience for me, I felt closer to God because being without solid food for this period of time humbles you. You realize that there is a Higher Power watching over you. Before doing this I didn't think I would survive without food for so long but I did and it just shows you, us humans do not actually need as much as we think we need. 


Other people thought I did it for the weight loss... how much more superficial do you get?! Yes I lost weight but that was a bonus, I did it for my health. After having a huge fright from being told that I have cancerous cells in my cervix I realized that even though I am young and "healthy" (as I saw it) didn't mean that I was. It is so sad to see that some people really have no idea that they themselves are destroying their health with what they eat. Medication, like antibiotics, do not make you better in the long run, so going to a doctor is not going to make you a healthier person. Natural healing is the way... People need to open up their closed minds when it comes to these types of things!


The second detox I did, about 2 weeks after the colon cleanse, was a gallbladder cleanse. I did this cleanse mainly for my skin. I was feeling very pale and I do get a little bit of acne every now and then and this was irritating me. Also by doing this cleanse I got rid of all the old residue and toxins that were in my liver and gallbladder from my drug and alcohol abuse days. This detox involves not eating from 2pm and also not eating anything fatty that morning either and drinking Epsom Salts at 6pm, 8pm and then drinking half a cup of olive oil mixed with the juice of 2 grapefruits at 10pm. Then going to bed immediately and then drinking Epsom salts when you wake up, but not before 6am and then again two hours after that. You can eat after that whenever you feel ready, but nothing fatty etc etc. 


For me this detox worked wonders but it was a horrible process. Not many people throw up but I did, apparently this is due to me having a lot of toxins in that area of my body, which did not surprise me at all! I threw up little crystals but the next day I passed gallstones as well, between 4 and 7 of them. 


Please click on the link for more information on gallstones: http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/gallstones/


This is what a gallstone looks like, In the middle of a gallstone is the parasitical stuff. The greener and darker they are the older and longer they have been in your body, the more tanner (yellowy) they are the newer they are. 

The same day after this detox everyone started noticing the change in my skin. I had more color in my skin and it even felt softer! I felt full of vitality.


The greatest thing about both of these detoxes is that you actually see what comes out of your body, which is really rewarding! 


If you are thinking of doing something like this but are kept back from doing it because of other people's silly remarks and un-researched opinions ignore what they have to say and do it for yourself. What have you got to lose? I did a lot of research on the subject before doing it so that I was totally clued up on what my body was going to go through. These two detoxes that I did really helped my health in many ways and I will be doing these detoxes once or twice a year from now on. 


Think of it as spring cleaning your body! 






Espavo! <3

LIFESTYLE

*I was having a little bit of trouble accepting my body before writing this blog (something I think all women or men go through from time to time.) After losing 20kg I would think I  should be happy with myself and grateful for all my weight loss and my healthy lifestyle  - but I am still skeptical and unsure about how I feel and look right now - It could just be a stage though - but it got me thinking a little deeper into this subject which also inspired me to get up and moving more again.*


Let me summarize what I have gone through in my life so far with regards to lifestyle so that you can get a better idea of where I am coming from:-


I have never had a big problem with weight, I have always had a fast metabolism and have been (for most of my life) active. 4 years ago however, I took a turn for the worst in this regard. I let myself go, fell into depression, was jobless for about 6 months and picked up a huge amount of weight. I do not know if the weight gain was directly as a result of these things that were happening in my life but it happened and I get the feeling the negative things in my life were actually the result of my weight gain - read on for an explanation. 


To make things worse - I was not exactly aware of the fact that I was overweight (actually obese on the BMI scale but ja...) - I really do not know how I was not aware of it, must have been something physiological to do with it... Until one day I got told to my face (in a very nasty way) that I was fat! This made me actually LOOK in the mirror properly for the first time - and not only did I realize that I was overweight and did not like the physical reflection I saw in the mirror but I also disliked the person I had become inside. - and I think from then on I made it my goal to make a positive change. 


I was going to get myself back on track in all aspects of my life and so changed my lifestyle. The first step I took was a food diary and I became careful and more aware about the types of food I ate  and when I ate them, I also stopped going out and drinking so much which also made me realize what bad friendship choices I had made. - then came exercise which then helped me become even more stricter with my food choices which also then led to me becoming a runner - running 2km-3km  3 to 4 times a week! I also remembered how to dance again, there is nothing better than turning up the sound system or putting on your earphones and dancing it all out in front of the mirror or in the lounge. :-D I not only noticed an amazing change in my body but in my attitude as well. My social life changed for the better, I had like-minded and well moral friends who shared the same interests as me and that were GOOD for me and my man. I treated people better, my relationship with my love ones blossomed and I could handle stress and pressure with no problem at all. I no longer had emotional outbursts or depression - I felt alive again.


[This feeling of feeling alive mostly comes from the exercise - the feeling of running and the after effects of it reminds me of the feeling I get when I dance - I think the word to use that best describes this feeling is Freedom. Any type of exercise helps you get rid of all that tension, just like dancing - dancing however helps you let go of feelings emotionally, lets you express how you feel. Dancing for me helps me to let go of emotions that I hold on to - running helps me to put everything into perspective.]




It really did make me realize for the first time that you will not have respect for others and others will not have respect for you as a human being and for who you are until you have first gained respect for yourself. And it is also true what they say: - "you are what you eat."


Here is a great quote:


"On my fridge I have a saying that I have had for years; it goes like this:
'What I do today is important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.'
This saying applies to everyone no matter what your lifestyle is."
Catherine Pulsifer


It also helped me gain back my spirituality again - it was almost as if all the stuff I was feeding myself and the restriction from exercise was causing a blockage in my spiritual energy flow and therefore also stopping me from functioning properly and from reaching my potential. 


Even now while I am writing this down I am starting to feel a little better - getting this out has given me motivation to start upping up my game again - Even though I may not have picked up weight and may not need to do anything with my lifestyle I know I have slacked a bit when it comes to exercise and I have not been strict enough when it comes to my diet this winter. I am going to get my jogging shoes back on tonight and get this booty moving again - because it is not about being skinny or looking better than someone else and all those superficial things - it is about feeling good about yourself, inside and out - and that is our ultimate goal in the end is it not? To be happy. :-)


Hope this inspired someone else too. 


Espavo!

LETTING GO

Before I write all this down, please note that this is something I feel and think a lot about but struggle to actually put in words - you know... when you feel or believe in something but cannot describe it - well I am going to try my best. ;-)

Looking back on the "dark" days of my life, the times I was not in tune with my light and to the source, very confused and very destructive as a result of that, I wonder about how I would have turned out today if it was not for those moments and periods in my life. (Even though some parts were very disturbing and horrible). 

I remember being so low at times that I contemplated ending my time spent on earth, feeling that I could start over again with a clean slate, feeling that what I have done and the regret and disgust I felt would not pass, that I would live forever with this dark cloud hanging over my head... Little did I know that what I was going through at that moment and time would be the reason for me turning out for the better in the future. 

It reminds me of a quote by  Soren Kierkegaard: "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."

It is all about growing up and maturing, when we get stuck in those periods of life we need to remember that whatever mistakes we have made today will only be used as a reference in the future to be reminded about what not to do and will help us as a guide to us keep on the right track and to stick to our morals and standards. 

Looking back to my drug and food addiction days when life was hell and when I made life hell to live in, I do not look back with pride but I know that I will never be that person ever again. My memory of those days and the hurt I not only caused myself but to others as well will not only serve as a reminder to strive to be a better person but to also try my best to help others who are also in need of the advice that I can offer them. 

I am somewhat grateful that I had those horrible experiences - if I had not gone through what I have been through I would not have the wisdom, understanding and 'want' to live that I have today. 

I know how hard it was to get through it, essentially if you are a fighter at heart and arrogant to the fact that you need another person's help or even arrogant to the fact that you need to change (denial), but thinking of it this way helps me to understand it better : pain, grief, depression, Guilt and other forms of FEAR disappear when the mind is focused in loving peace on this instant. Focusing on what you have done is not going to help you move forward in the future. Focusing and trying to feel how you want to feel in the future NOW is the answer. 

I remember when I was stuck in a feeling of depression about regretting what I had done and constantly feeling that I deserved feeling this way, that I deserved being hurt and angry because of what I had done, I even remember hurting myself on purpose. - I used to read the horoscopes on the DSTV channel and I remember there was always something that used to come up in those readings - Let go of what no longer is needed.  I remember reading this a lot but never actually understanding it or taking the action to LET GO of what really is no longer needed - I now understand what it meant though and it is the most uplifting and awesome feeling when you let go of the things that hold you down and keep you from becoming a better more free person. (This is another subject that I would like to write about one day - coincidences - listening to your heart and being aware of things that continuously happen to you or keep reappearing in your life - It is a message from your higher self trying to guide you in the right direction - like dreams.) 


I think I have achieved what I wanted to say now, I think to sum it all up we need to remember that we are only human, the mistakes we have made in the past do not reflect who we are today and that the memory of those mistakes and experiences are only there as a guide to help us become better people. 






Espavo! xxx

Life's Little Bargains

I was listening to the radio yesterday and they were speaking about "life's bargains". Things that we have in life that we don't pay for but have - life's bargains. This got me thinking again about how many things there are to be grateful for - even the average man you walk past on the side of the street has many things to be grateful for. 

So this got me thinking about some of the things I regard as "life's bargains". I am fortunate enough to work at a very beautiful place. I am surrounded by nature and mountains and there is loads of fresh air and open space. Nature is one of life's most precious bargains. You don't have to pay or give anything to experience the wonders and beauty and calming effect of nature. It is there for us to enjoy when we please. 

South African's (especially)  should be so grateful for the beauty of our country, never mind what is happening politically and economically in this country, this place is STUNNING! We have the most beautiful mountains, seas and open land. Even now as I look out the window my breathe is taken away by the view of the mountains and nature surrounding this town. 

When last have you gone and sat under a tree or lay flat on your back on a piece of grass and stared up into the sky? Even if you haven't done it in a while go back to when you used to do it as a child. Remember that calming relaxed feeling you got? That joy you felt? With the sun warming your face and the sound of the wind in the trees. We need to remember to spend more time with nature and use this "bargain" we have been given during our time on Planet Earth. Maybe if more people started appreciating nature more, even if it is just by looking out of the window at the office or driving home or to work, they will learn to respect it more and treat nature and Mother Earth the way it should be treated, with pride and with love. 

I mean, after all that nature and the earth has given us and will continue to give us, we should be giving something back in return - even if it is just gratitude and appreciation. 

Espavo! <3