LETTING GO

Before I write all this down, please note that this is something I feel and think a lot about but struggle to actually put in words - you know... when you feel or believe in something but cannot describe it - well I am going to try my best. ;-)

Looking back on the "dark" days of my life, the times I was not in tune with my light and to the source, very confused and very destructive as a result of that, I wonder about how I would have turned out today if it was not for those moments and periods in my life. (Even though some parts were very disturbing and horrible). 

I remember being so low at times that I contemplated ending my time spent on earth, feeling that I could start over again with a clean slate, feeling that what I have done and the regret and disgust I felt would not pass, that I would live forever with this dark cloud hanging over my head... Little did I know that what I was going through at that moment and time would be the reason for me turning out for the better in the future. 

It reminds me of a quote by  Soren Kierkegaard: "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."

It is all about growing up and maturing, when we get stuck in those periods of life we need to remember that whatever mistakes we have made today will only be used as a reference in the future to be reminded about what not to do and will help us as a guide to us keep on the right track and to stick to our morals and standards. 

Looking back to my drug and food addiction days when life was hell and when I made life hell to live in, I do not look back with pride but I know that I will never be that person ever again. My memory of those days and the hurt I not only caused myself but to others as well will not only serve as a reminder to strive to be a better person but to also try my best to help others who are also in need of the advice that I can offer them. 

I am somewhat grateful that I had those horrible experiences - if I had not gone through what I have been through I would not have the wisdom, understanding and 'want' to live that I have today. 

I know how hard it was to get through it, essentially if you are a fighter at heart and arrogant to the fact that you need another person's help or even arrogant to the fact that you need to change (denial), but thinking of it this way helps me to understand it better : pain, grief, depression, Guilt and other forms of FEAR disappear when the mind is focused in loving peace on this instant. Focusing on what you have done is not going to help you move forward in the future. Focusing and trying to feel how you want to feel in the future NOW is the answer. 

I remember when I was stuck in a feeling of depression about regretting what I had done and constantly feeling that I deserved feeling this way, that I deserved being hurt and angry because of what I had done, I even remember hurting myself on purpose. - I used to read the horoscopes on the DSTV channel and I remember there was always something that used to come up in those readings - Let go of what no longer is needed.  I remember reading this a lot but never actually understanding it or taking the action to LET GO of what really is no longer needed - I now understand what it meant though and it is the most uplifting and awesome feeling when you let go of the things that hold you down and keep you from becoming a better more free person. (This is another subject that I would like to write about one day - coincidences - listening to your heart and being aware of things that continuously happen to you or keep reappearing in your life - It is a message from your higher self trying to guide you in the right direction - like dreams.) 


I think I have achieved what I wanted to say now, I think to sum it all up we need to remember that we are only human, the mistakes we have made in the past do not reflect who we are today and that the memory of those mistakes and experiences are only there as a guide to help us become better people. 






Espavo! xxx