3 Day Apple Juice Fast

So, I exercise between 3 - 5 days a week. Three of those days each include a one hour intense workout (Piloxing, Zumba, Zumba Toning). The rest of the week I use a vibration plate or my home gym. My diet is very clean. I don't eat red meats, wheat or sugar. I have cut down dairy to either feta or mozzarella cheese and occasionally milk in my coffee.

I have not lost a single kilogram in almost a year of continuing to work hard and eat right. It makes no sense and I am extremely frustrated.

I was assessed recently and it came to my attention that my hormones were out of balance. The cause? ... Tryphasil (contraceptive pill). It made my oestrogen levels excessive and my progesterone levels very low - which is how the pills works in the first place but it is not natural in any way and it could be the main reason as to why I can't lose weight, my mood swings etc.

I therefore decided to come off the contraceptive with the hope to get my hormones rebalanced. It has been 2 months - no changes in weight but I am 100 times more happier and I feel like myself again. Which is great! Except I still have not lost any weight.

After doing some research and finding out that hormones are processed through the liver - and also accepting that I have been drinking WAY too much coffee - I have decided that I am going to do a fast to help cleanse my body.

I have previously done a 5 day fast - but I have chosen to rather go for the 3 day fast this time because I am so active.

I will record each day of my fast explaining what I experience, how I feel etc. Starting from Monday! Wish me luck!

To the Good Men! Thank you - a tribute to Dewaldt

There was a point in my life when I used look at men with utter disgust. I used to wonder when men decided that 30 was the new 19. When men thought it was better to remain single and independent than staying committed to another. When men thought it okay to be courageous on nights out but afraid to be fathers. I use to wonder when it was that "guy night" became more important than movie night and date night. I used to wonder when men became boys and when staying out became better than showing up…

True it is that some of these statements are true about some men – men who have given other men horrible reputations - me cooler than showing up. but today I want to write about the good men, a tribute to the wonderful man I found (or who found me). A real man – who knows what it truly means to be a loving partner and an awesome father. This is to all of the other men out there who put their families first – you are loved and appreciated, thank you.  

I got divorced while I was three months pregnant with my ex-husband’s second child. The reason for my decision was based on my children’s happiness and well-being. To be honest (and I know this puts me in a somewhat very weak light) I would never have left this man if it was not for my children. I would have let him carry on with his ways until my time on earth was over if my children were not born. When I brought my first child into this world – it was only then that I realized how poisonous the relationship was between my ex-husband and I and all I worried about was how badly it would affect my children. I had to get them away from this environment – I could not let them watch me die inside every day – their hearts and their well-being is all that matters. And so I left him… after watching my almost 2 year old look at me with pain in his eyes because mommy was trying to hold back the tears – at that very moment I made the decision to take the first step I needed to take in the right direction. And let me tell you, when I took that first step – everything else just fell into place and I have never been in a better place than where I have been since then to this day.

Shortly after making that life changing decision – I met someone else. He was one of the kindest souls I had ever met, gentle, awkward, sweet and funny. He helped me through the difficult transition I was going through, made me feel confident in myself and made me see the happier, lighter side of life. It turned into us constantly messaging each other every day until the early hours of each morning. Speaking to each other every day, caring about each other’s day – I believe the love between us was already felt by both of us long before we actually told each other we did. Yes! We fell in love…  He fell in love with me… ME! the pregnant, divorced, single mother of one (soon to be two)… this wreck of a woman! This wonderful man – wanted me AND I wanted him. For the first time in my whole existence I knew what it felt like to be truly loved and to love someone completely. With no judgment, no fear or expectation – I loved this man the moment our eyes met.

One of the most heartwarming parts of this story is the fact that he accepted my children as his own. He took them in and embraced them with love and understanding. For the first time my children had a real father. He was there for the birth of my second child, he held him for the first time. He has helped me every night, since the day we moved in together, with the baby/toddler night shifts, the warming up of bottles and the nappy changes. Even more of a shocker – he has let me go off for an hour or two on weekends so that I can do Parkruns or my hair at the salon while he cares for the kids.

To this day I still feel like I am living in some sort of fantasy – never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought that I would be with someone who treated me so well and for who I just want to love and care for. That I would find someone who is the perfect father role model for my children.

He restored my faith in men, it really is true that not all men are dogs. We need to remember that we deserve love, true love, happiness and respect. The same goes for men who are in bad relationships with women who treat them badly. There are good people out there… you don’t have to be in an abusive relationship. Get out, for your own sake. And if your own sake is not good enough then for your children’s sake, for your unborn children’s sake and for the sake of your family and the people who love you. We all deserve to be happy, no matter what you look like, no matter what you are going through, the right man/woman is out there for you – someone who will love you like you should be loved. Nobody deserves to be treated badly. Life is too short to waste it on trying to save a relationship that has already hit the rocks. Pick up from where you are and move on – life has better things planned for you. Divorce does not mean a dead end. It is brand new beginnings and a clean slate.

You are stronger than you think.

Bouncing Back

Looking back at the past few years and all the changes and processes my body has gone through, especially the last 3 years through both my pregnancies. It is a difficult thing – learning your body and how it works and then it constantly changes and you have to change things up again in order to care for it. It is hard work for a women and I don’t think many people, especially men and women who have not had children, understand what it means and how hard we have to work to maintain, lose weight and feel good about ourselves.

I remember when I first came to the realisation of what it meant to be healthy. Yes I had struggled through eating disorders and learned all about it in recovery – but that day when I had that Ah Ha moment was magical. Almost 4 years after what I thought was recovering from my disorder (realising that I still had some bad habits) – I realised what it meant to look after your body. Skipping meals was not helping – exercising your ass off and then eating a huge meal was not helping – smoking was not helping. I could not believe that I was eating 6 times a day, healthy meals, exercising for 30 minutes 3 times a week and I lost 25kg in a year. I could not believe it! Where had I gone wrong all this time. I think this happens with most AH HA moments – you always wonder why you didn’t know this before. The answer is because you were not ready – you are growing and you are still growing and learning and this should be an amazing moment for anyone.

I decided today that even though I am not exactly where I want to be in my fitness and weight loss goals I am proud of where I am now and how far I have gotten. Damn it has been one hell of an up and down journey – emotional roller coasters – watching my body morph and change and bounce back to morphing again in my pregnancies. Breastfeeding – sheesh that has done some major transformations to my upper body. Through everything else that life is throwing at us, maintaining your career, caring for your kids, working on your relationships – you have still got this with your fitness and weight loss goals. You are still making an effort! I think I, and every other mother out there keeping it together – deserves a standing ovation. I AM proud of myself! 

The people who look at you and tell you that you are not good enough yet don’t know what you have struggled through. It is not easy, for any mother, to lose the weight and get back to the same fitness level they were at before – not because they don’t try but because our bodies are a little more challenging than they were before pregnancy and of course when we were younger. At least we are working on it – and boy are we gonna get there – and they will be speechless because we would have mastered reaching this goal through way more obstacles than most. And that ladies is just one more thing to be proud of!

This is to anyone battling through a weight loss journey. Don’t look at how far you have got to go, or how wobbly and untoned your legs and stomach might be, your stretch marks – all of it is a sign that you have gotten somewhere and are your battle scars (wear them proud) – you are not the same as you were a year ago, a month ago or maybe a week ago. Stay consistent, keep that goal in mind but remember how far you have come and don’t let anyone make you feel any less of yourself. I am telling you WELL DONE! KEEP IT UP! YOU LOOK AMAZING! 

BIRTH STORY - A SECOND TIME AROUND

On 14 January 2015 - my beautiful second child was born. A boy. His name is Blake. It means: Dark and Fair - which is balance. 

After my traumatic experience with my first birth - I never thought I would go down this path again. It happened though and it was wonderful and not what I expected a year or so before it happened.  

It is absolutely amazing how the circumstances in your life can make such a huge difference to how you experience your pregnancy and labour. 

When I was about three months pregnant I divorced my husband. I was pregnant with his child and my first child was also his son but the abuse I went through in the marriage and the affect it was having on my first child was too much. I did not want my second child going through what my first child went through. Diaan (number 1) was a year and half when I took that step. If it was not for my children I probably would have stayed... but it was not just about me any more. My children were now involved and I was not going to let anyone hurt them - even if it meant leaving their father. 

As heartbreaking and emotional as it was it was one of the best decisions I had ever made in my life. One of the hardest too. 

I met another man, just after leaving my ex-husband. He embraced me and my children (both my 1 year old and unborn child) as his own. He changed my world. The world was a happy place - I felt lighter - I now knew what it meant to be loved - and loved properly - and to love properly back in return. My toddler was happier, I was happier and I felt how happy my baby was inside of me - because mommy was happy so was he. My pregnancy was a breeze. 

He came with me into theatre when it was time for my c-section. He even put his running shoes on and was pacing the hospital floor like a tiger in its cage - he was so excited. He held my hand every step of the way - he was there at the operating table. And when Blake entered this world, his beautiful face was lit up - a glorious moment when you get that first look at your baby - I saw the glitter in my partner's eyes. My little boy was born into unconditional love from his mother, my partner and his big brother. My partner held him while they sewed me up and he looked at him as if he was his own. 

Diaan came to meet his baby brother the same day. He was so soft and gentle. Such a wise little boy he is. He looked at me and softly touched my arm while he sat on the hospital bed next to me, and he looked at his brother with awe. To this day he has been his protector. 

I recovered in about a week. Almost 4 times more faster than my first time. 

I was so scared about how things would work with a second child but everything blended in perfectly. And still does. 

How blessed I am to have these two amazing children in my life and to have such an amazing partner. 

Thank you for choosing me as your mother. 

I Found Myself

It has been two years since my last post and a lot of changes have occurred. I wasn't lost but I was found - I found myself. 

Since my last post I have had a second child and divorced my husband. 

I found someone, my soul mate and I can truly say I have never been happier. 

I have learned so much and I want to share it with everyone - I want to share it because it might help someone else who is in the same situation. 

I thought I was in love with my ex-husband. I truly thought the saying "the couples who are meant to be together always get through their obstacles and stay together". That is not always the case. I learned that it is better to come from a broken home than to be in a broken home. 

I can't say when it started - when I lost all respect for my other half but I think what opened my eyes was my child. The way my ex-husband was treating me was effecting my little boy - and I did not want him growing up thinking it was okay for him to treat others that way. And I saw it breaking his little heart and I could not do that to him anymore. And so I put my foot down and I said "no more". And it was the best decision I have ever made! 

I now have someone in my life who treats me as if I am gold and that makes me want to treat him the same. My children see someone treating me with utter respect and love and that makes them happy and whatever makes them happy makes me happy! It is just wonderful to love someone (properly) and be loved back in return (properly). I thank my lucky stars everyday and I attracted this beautiful love in my life and into my children's lives. 

I now feel like I can grow and reach more goals and just reach higher and higher in life. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the ones you need to make. Following your heart might be scary but in the end it is what is supposed to happen. In that moment you might not see the point of it all but it will come and you will feel freedom inside your heart. 

Espavo! 

THIS IS THE POINT - Connectivity

Life (NBC TV series) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Recently I had a conversation with someone about what the meaning of life is – and how some of us (including me) can fall into a depression about “what the point is” when it comes to this life.

This feeling of depression and feeling of being defeated normally gets triggered by seeing and hearing about all these horrible things happening in the world today – which I normally don’t ever elaborate on because I do not want to focus any energy on those negative things as I feel that just gives that negativity more power. But for the purpose of what I want to get across today I am talking about the crime we see on the news and hear on the radio and the abuse humankind is inflicting on each other and on Mother Earth. The reality of it all hits home - that things like this have always been happening and so probably will continue to happen.

This makes a person wonder why? What is the point of being here if this is what is happening. It personally makes me sick… We feel like we are stuck here in this terrible place and then when we pass away on to wherever we go (depending on what you believe in) does it even matter? This can make a person very depressed and that causes other things like anxiety, anger and all sorts of other emotions – which in turn may result in more negative actions. A vicious cycle if you ask me…

We try and make ourselves feel better about this all and so use things like materialism, work and in my case substance abuse. Which as you know does not really help the situation either – and only makes it worse… Again, a vicious cycle is happening here.

So how do we overcome this feeling of helplessness? Is there a way of getting over it? The most asked question always comes to mind – what is the meaning of life…

The way I have learned to overcome this feeling and to stop myself from falling into that realm of confusion, helplessness and depression - and from being part of the vicious cycle is this – Connectivity!  - We are all connected

I think about all the people in my life who are positive and good and who love me. This then reminds me that if I have people like this surrounding me then there are obviously a lot more other people out there who are just like these good and positive people I have been blessed to have in my life. So even though there are “bad” people out there – there are a lot of “good” people out there too. And this in turn makes me feel better about the world. We need to get out of our little box of selfishness (ego) and remember that there are a lot of other people out there experiencing the same things we are experiencing (in their own way) and that we are not the only person on this earth/in this universe.

Life (Photo credit: bitzcelt)

Look back on your life and remember all the good things you have done and all the things you have achieved. Also look back on your mistakes and remember how you overcame those mistakes and obstacles which helped you to become a better person. Doing this will help you to build on what you already have achieved so far in this lifetime. Each time you feel there is no point look back at what you have already achieved and then also remember how these things have made your world and in turn another person’s experience of you and their world better.

It helps to remember that everything is connected – everything you do will in turn affect another person and the more positive your actions the more positive the effect will be on not only yourself or the person you are directly connected to BUT the rest of the world too! THIS IS THE POINT!

Yes we are all tiny little specks in this big world we live in BUT everything we do has cause and effect and so we all make a huge difference in this world we live in.

Getting all upset and angry about feeling that there is no point in this life and so on is selfish and it is egotistical! Even though you might think that locking yourself up in your room sulking or smoking that joint or walking around moping is not affecting anyone – you are wrong. There are people in your life connected to you and everything you do AND the way you treat YOURSELF (not only others) will affect the people in your life (even if it is just one person).

I know that we can’t always be happy and spirited with a spring in our step all the time. I mean, that will just make us feel like we are living in Teletubby town – but the point is to remember that we are all connected and to remember that our actions are affecting others and in turn the world. Sit with that negativity you are feeling, feel the emotions and work through it – and then overcome it, because that is the POINT.

Espavo! 

Related articles

• My Story of Overcoming Depression
• Lupus, Emotional Stress, and Depression
• Sometimes there is light
• Biochemistry of Addiction
• Self Pity, and the Power of Confidence

A quiet little place

Keep a quiet little place
Where only you can go
A place securely set aside
To think, to breathe, to grow

Don't think that you will be lonely there
For God is close beside you
His messages will all come through
To comfort and to guide you

Lifes burdens grow much brighter
For all those who have set apart
A quiet place for God to dwell
At peace within the heart.

I memorized this poem as a little girl and it has stayed with me my whole life.

I wanted to share it with everyone as it has helped me stay calm and relaxed in many situations where I found it difficult to handle life.

Espavo

Writing a book -Finally!!

Ever since I can remember I have wanted to write a book. With all that has happened in my life and the experiences I have had I have always thought that I would write about them one day and maybe help people with this book by giving advice and writing about what I have gone through and how I overcame all the difficulties.

There have been a few things holding me back though which is why I have never really ever taken that step forward. Will I offend someone? What do I write about, there are so many different things? - Will it turn out to just be mumble jumble. How do I even start with writing a book? And so on...

Thanks to my sister's advice I have made that first step though. She told me to just start writing and then we will see from there. I feel like I am overflowing with information that I just want to write down thanks to her support and the support I have received from everyone else in my life. Knowing that they all think I should do this gives me the confidence I need.

This was my first step - to write it in my blog - I have now committed to it! :)

Here is to 2013 being an awesome year with all my ventures becoming huge successes. This year has already brought me all the opportunities I need for me to accomplish all the dreams that I have been wanting to fulfill! This star is going to shine brightly. :)

ESPAVO!

Birth Story

Well, I’m back and we are now also blessed with a precious little baby boy we have named Diaan.

In my previous posts I have spoken about natural birth etc. Well, let me tell you that nothing went according to plan. *shy smiling face*

I have decided to write out my birth story from start to finish – I hope you enjoy it and that it helps at least a few to-be-mommies out there.

Our Birth Story

I remember waking up on the day I gave birth to my precious boy all excited and positive that I was finally going to keep steady contractions and start dilating. I was also completely exhausted after having three gel inductions over a period of 24 hours. The first gel induction did nothing, the second one, a much stronger one, brought on contractions but they only lasted a short while. I also kept the thought in mind that my dream of having a natural birth might not happen, but yes – I still had my hopes up.

I remember looking out the window from the hospital room which had been my home for almost a week now – and for a whole week before that – and seeing that it was a beautiful warm day outside. It was nice and cool inside my room and I was calm. My husband was also on his way and so were my mom and granny. The doctor had told us that if I didn’t go into labour “naturally” today he will have to do a caesarean as my amniotic fluid was very low. I felt happy and calm any way – I couldn’t wait to meet my baby boy!

The doctor came in for his normal morning check up. The monitor showed that baby’s heart beat was perfect but I had only dilated half a cm and the inductions were not working. He broke my waters which was very very little. It was about five minutes later and the contractions started. PROPER contractions! My husband was right there with me though and he held my hand through every one. It was painful but it was a good pain! My mom was waiting outside and I went to sit with her, standing up each time a contraction started and swaying through them. The morning went by with me and my husband pacing the halls ways, getting through the contractions….. and then they got slower. The monitor showed they were also not strong enough… and off I went to the labour ward.

They hooked me up to a drip with a stronger type of induction and back onto the foetal heart monitor and flat on my back. A minute later I felt the contractions again – much stronger and MUCH more intense! My poor husband looked like he was feeling each one of them with me. After an hour or so of that I opted for some pain medication which helped for about half an hour. At 1pm the doctor came in to check on me and I had not dilated at all! He however respected my decision to have a natural birth and gave me the choice to carry on for another few hours on this induction. After he left my husband broke down – he could not watch me go through anymore pain. He called the doctor back as he was getting in his car to leave and so was the beginning of my caesarean birth!

The nurses came in to prep me and my mom came in for support. My husband was not handling anything very well and had been crying for quite a while. He could not handle watching someone cut me open – he said his protectiveness over me will cause him to do something irrational and so my mom came with me into surgery. Hubby was right out side the door – all tear stained and anxious. I on the other hand felt all calm and relaxed. I was trying very hard not to freak out, I am very scared of needles but I could not imagine giving birth unconscious and so I was going to have an epidural.

They wheeled me in to surgery and explained all that was going to happen. I sat up and waited for the anaesthetist to give me the epidural. He was a soft and kind doctor and I think the emotional and mental “pain” was sorer than the actual giving of the epidural – I actually didn’t even feel a thing - physically.

My legs and hips went numb and as I was about to panic I saw my mom’s eyes through the hospital mask. I calmed and I felt ready – I didn’t say a word.

The next thing I knew I heard my mom saying that she could see him and his little pink feet appeared over the screen and then his whole body! He was so clean, there was very little blood – I don’t remember any blood actually and he was pink all over! My beautiful baby boy! I remember the doctor saying that he had cheeks like his mommy. I couldn’t help but laugh. They took him to the side to do the tests. He scored 10 out of 10 for both his apkar scores! They brought him to me and I stared into his beautiful dancing blue eyes for what seemed a life time and then he went to spend some time with his daddy while they sewed me up.

That vision of my baby boy will forever be a part of me – his beautiful dancing eyes – the most magical feeling in the world.

After leaving surgery they took me to my room where I was able to spend time with family but all I wanted was my baby. They brought him to me and I breast fed him immediately! He was such a hungry bub and he latched on perfectly straight away and had his first bowel movement a few minutes later. My husband just couldn’t stop taking pictures and I will forever remember that proud look in his eyes.

Our lives have been changed forever and you really did take our breathes away when you were born my special precious boy. We are so honoured that you have chosen us to be your parents and we promise to love and care for you for as long as we live and to cherish every moment spent with you. Thank you Higher Power for bringing this wonderful baby into our lives.

So in the end nothing went to plan – but let me tell all the mommies out there who are also planning to have a natural birth but are worried that they might have to have a c-section – its not all that bad. The after pain and recovery is not something to laugh at though but it is worth it. A c-section is not the end of the world. In fact we are lucky to have had one as we found out later that the cord was wrapped around our baby’s neck and a tiny bit of his skin had also been cut open a little bit on his head from the pressure. In the end it was the right decision!

ESPAVO!

Chaos of Change

I am in a space right now where not only is my body going through a huge change but my spiritual and emotional self are too.

You hear so many people's opinions about all the different things in pregnancy, about why you are feeling this and why you are feeling that. On the subject of depression though there is a lot of conflicting information. Some people say that it is hormonal, others say it is a chemical imbalance you had before you were pregnant, other's say it is normal, some recommend antidepressants and others are completely against it.

I believe that it is partly hormonal and partly because of the change that is happening inside a pregnant woman. Whether it should even be called depression is debatable! Hormones play such a huge role in pregnancy and it can drive a woman loony at times. I have had myself in tears over silly adverts on TV or by people saying the most petty things, things I would normally not show any emotion too but instead of just walking away or getting over it I end up balling my eyes out and screaming things back at the people who have nothing nice to say. Haha! It really is a crazy roller coaster ride! I also think that a lot of what having a baby entails can put a woman in this place. For example: will I make it financially, how will I cope with work and baby and hubby, how will I manage to balance my lifestyle at the same time.

But when I talk about "depression" - please note the inverted commas - that dreaded feeling of despair and that nothing is getting better and never will - that dark dark place where I think we have all found ourselves in before at least once or twice - I think this has got much more to do with our higher selves than it has to do with hormones.

We all have our own ways of dealing with depression and unhappiness but I felt like I had for some or other reason lost all my tools that enabled me to cope and get out of that space during my pregnancy. This made things even worse at times because I felt that that was just life being unfair and felt sorry for myself. I felt angry with myself because I was feeling like this too and on top of that I felt like I was a terrible mom and I felt guilty because I was feeling so down in time in my life when I am supposed to be feeling so so very happy! And then I was feeling happy and euphoric at the same time with all these other feelings buzzing around in my mind. - It really is a confusing and distressful place to be! Talk about ups and downs!

All of this forced me to do something I had never done. To sit and actually FEEL the emotions I was feeling and to deal with them one by one. Most of my coping mechanisms were ways of blocking what I did not want to feel. For example writing down everything I am grateful for and focusing on that and what my goals in life are. Having a drink or two after a long week. Going for a jog to clear my mind. Just doing things that blocked me from actually feeling those negative emotions. I must say it is not one of the most enjoyable experiences but for the first time in my life I was able to identify why I was feeling certain things and I was able to work through them and resolve them in my mind.

You see, with change normally comes chaos at first. And I think this is what most pregnant woman (who feel they are depressed during pregnancy) are actually experiencing -  the chaos of change. And the only way to allow change to happen so that the chaos can disappear is to accept it and to embrace it and to let it happen. We need to keep learning to have faith while trying to keep on the right path in life. Things always work out in the end if you stay true to yourself.

This baby that is growing inside of me, that my body knows exactly how to take care of and how to nourish, is bringing a huge change into our lives and into this world. I need to embrace and accept that there will be a change in me as a woman as well - and that something inside of me has changed already - but that feeling of change and knowing will be felt 100 times over when I see my beautiful child breathing air into his lungs for the first time and when I see his dancing soul in his eyes. Only then will I know what real love is and the power of that love, all of this is just preparation for the huge impact this wonderful spirit will bring into our lives.

Change is powerful but it is something that we must all encounter so that we can overcome what is put in our paths in the future.

Know that no matter what you are going through you are strong enough to overcome it.

Espavo!