Chaos of Change

I am in a space right now where not only is my body going through a huge change but my spiritual and emotional self are too.

You hear so many people's opinions about all the different things in pregnancy, about why you are feeling this and why you are feeling that. On the subject of depression though there is a lot of conflicting information. Some people say that it is hormonal, others say it is a chemical imbalance you had before you were pregnant, other's say it is normal, some recommend antidepressants and others are completely against it.

I believe that it is partly hormonal and partly because of the change that is happening inside a pregnant woman. Whether it should even be called depression is debatable! Hormones play such a huge role in pregnancy and it can drive a woman loony at times. I have had myself in tears over silly adverts on TV or by people saying the most petty things, things I would normally not show any emotion too but instead of just walking away or getting over it I end up balling my eyes out and screaming things back at the people who have nothing nice to say. Haha! It really is a crazy roller coaster ride! I also think that a lot of what having a baby entails can put a woman in this place. For example: will I make it financially, how will I cope with work and baby and hubby, how will I manage to balance my lifestyle at the same time.

But when I talk about "depression" - please note the inverted commas - that dreaded feeling of despair and that nothing is getting better and never will - that dark dark place where I think we have all found ourselves in before at least once or twice - I think this has got much more to do with our higher selves than it has to do with hormones.

We all have our own ways of dealing with depression and unhappiness but I felt like I had for some or other reason lost all my tools that enabled me to cope and get out of that space during my pregnancy. This made things even worse at times because I felt that that was just life being unfair and felt sorry for myself. I felt angry with myself because I was feeling like this too and on top of that I felt like I was a terrible mom and I felt guilty because I was feeling so down in time in my life when I am supposed to be feeling so so very happy! And then I was feeling happy and euphoric at the same time with all these other feelings buzzing around in my mind. - It really is a confusing and distressful place to be! Talk about ups and downs!

All of this forced me to do something I had never done. To sit and actually FEEL the emotions I was feeling and to deal with them one by one. Most of my coping mechanisms were ways of blocking what I did not want to feel. For example writing down everything I am grateful for and focusing on that and what my goals in life are. Having a drink or two after a long week. Going for a jog to clear my mind. Just doing things that blocked me from actually feeling those negative emotions. I must say it is not one of the most enjoyable experiences but for the first time in my life I was able to identify why I was feeling certain things and I was able to work through them and resolve them in my mind.

You see, with change normally comes chaos at first. And I think this is what most pregnant woman (who feel they are depressed during pregnancy) are actually experiencing -  the chaos of change. And the only way to allow change to happen so that the chaos can disappear is to accept it and to embrace it and to let it happen. We need to keep learning to have faith while trying to keep on the right path in life. Things always work out in the end if you stay true to yourself.

This baby that is growing inside of me, that my body knows exactly how to take care of and how to nourish, is bringing a huge change into our lives and into this world. I need to embrace and accept that there will be a change in me as a woman as well - and that something inside of me has changed already - but that feeling of change and knowing will be felt 100 times over when I see my beautiful child breathing air into his lungs for the first time and when I see his dancing soul in his eyes. Only then will I know what real love is and the power of that love, all of this is just preparation for the huge impact this wonderful spirit will bring into our lives.

Change is powerful but it is something that we must all encounter so that we can overcome what is put in our paths in the future.

Know that no matter what you are going through you are strong enough to overcome it.

Espavo!